Detox Your Friendships

If you feel like a doormat around your friends, try these golden rules and makeover your friendships forever.

Fed up with running around after your friends or feeling you can never say - to them, even when they've blown you out a dozen times? And what about the time you went to a bar and all your best friend talked about was her problems?

"Standing up for yourself takes courage, but once you've done it a couple of times, it becomes second nature. Follow these four steps to happier, healthier friendships."

Step 1: Be clear about how you feel.
You've invited your friend over to dinner and she's just spent the last tow hours talking about her day, her man, her problems, without once asking about yours. If you're feeling upset, give yourself some space for a few minutes, open a bottle of wine, or pop into the bathroom and rationalize your feelings.

Step 2: Buy yourself some time.
Next, work out whether this is a one-off incident or a habit. If it's a one-off, acknowledge her by saying, "understand how you feel", then ask for your feelings to be met, too. Don't be afraid to say, "Now I need a few minutes to tell you about my day." You've taken responsibility for your own needs and dealt with the matter.

If it's a habit, tell her you'd love to chat about your friendship. Agree a date, so you have time to evaluate your feelings. If the relationship's worth saving, she'll be prepared to talk about it. Otherwise, where is this friendship going?

Step 3: Talk about it.
When you meet, start by talking about the facts of the situation like - noticed that this is what happened when we were on holiday, so you're giving evidence. Instead of accusing her, "You make me feel like a doormat" - say, "feel I take the blame for certain things." You're removing any ammunition for her to attack you back. Finally, talk about the benefits of moving forward on a more equal basis, and strengthening your friendship.

Step 4: Make it habit.
The conversation may feel awkward at first, but the more you stand up for yourself, the easier it becomes. Studies show that, to develop a habit, you have to do something for at least 30 days. Regularly rate your friendship on a scale of 1 to 10. A top score means it's fun and equal; 1 means you feel like a doormat. Real friend encourage you to stand up for yourself - even to them.